How Sobriety Helped Me See My Alcohol Addiction In A New Light With Nick McGowan

Nick McGowan (00:07.954)
Hello and welcome to the mindset and self mastery show. I’m your host Nick McGowan. And today on the show, I want to talk about the problem that I had, the problem that I guess I still have and problem that I think runs in my family. And that probably runs in a lot of people’s family and maybe even yours. It’s drinking and addiction.

So I want to talk about the addiction that I had and how I was an alcoholic for probably the better part of 25 years. Now I’m 39 means I started drinking when I was pretty young, but I didn’t realize that I actually had a problem until fall of 2022. It took me a long time to actually realize that.

there was a problem with my drinking, but that my problems were actually deeper than my drinking. The drinking was just a piece of it. So, here I am a few weeks away from putting out this episode. It’s the 18th of September, and October 1st, it’ll be a year since I last drank.

a full honesty and full transparency. There are times where life will get stressful, something will happen, and I’ll have this fleeting thought that just flies by and is like, just go have a drink. Just escape from this, get away from it. Just go have a drink.

At this point, I’ve become self-aware enough that I understand that is toxic and not anything that I want in my life at all. And I’m not bashing people that drink. That’s not what this is about. But I understand for me, that’s not something that I want in my life at all of how I was with it. But when that thought comes in, I basically grip it by the throat until I get the fuck out of my head. But it took me a long time to be able to get to that point.

Nick McGowan (02:16.114)
I have some friends, some family members that have fought through and dealt with their alcoholism amongst other addictions and they’ve successfully gotten through it. But it’s not something that they just stopped working on.

it’s consistently working on it. So here I am about a year since I stopped drinking. And I remember thinking before that I would probably never ever, ever get to the point where I’d stopped drinking because I didn’t see it or understand it as an actual problem. Can you relate to that? I’m not trying to shame you at all or call you out. And if you can’t relate to that, great. But if you can, I want you to really think about that and.

be open to this conversation. I’m not gonna try to talk you into becoming sober and not drinking. I’m not gonna shame you for the drinking that you continue to do or any addictions that you have or anything at all. Just like anything in life, you can do whatever you want.

but it’s completely up to you to be able to take something that you hear and feel of value, and something that can do something good inside of you to help you change in a way that you feel you need to do, but only you can answer those questions. Only you can understand that that’s it. So what I wanna do in this episode is kind of talk through what that has looked like for me, what it looks like now on a daily basis, how I work through it.

and how I think you may be able to do the same if you’re in a similar spot, or if you know of somebody that is, there are ways that they can get help. There are obviously professional ways, like Alcoholics Anonymous, any of those other situations. And I don’t wanna give names and kind of go into things because…

Nick McGowan (04:10.934)
Really, you as the person need to start before you do anything else. And I understand that. Now, I haven’t gone through Alcoholics Anonymous. I have friends that have. I’ve gone through different things, and I have a therapist that I work with, and I go through processing, acupressure, and different things that I work through therapy-wise to be able to understand these things, but calling it out first is the biggest thing, and I understand that the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous is synonymous

that there should be. It’s being aware of it or being in denial of it. So level with me. Level with yourself. If you feel like you drink a lot and it’s not just because you enjoy going out and having a good old time every so often, but you’re actually trying to get away from something, or you’re trying to drown something, or you’re trying to not feel something.

then come with me on this journey. When I was 12 years old, there was, I was a chubby little kid and I was being made fun of.

bully and all that sort of stuff. And I remember somebody asking, Do you want to have a drink? And I remember watching my mom and dad drink at different times. My mom drank a lot growing up. My dad seemed to drink a good amount but at parties and would never get completely shitty or out of his mind. But I could tell that he wasn’t all there. And I knew of…

the negative and positives of my parents even at age 12, and had realized that, well, drinking was something that they did, but it was also something a lot of other people did. And I don’t know if it was just a regional thing or what, but it was like people would work, and then they would go to a bar, and they would hang out and drink, and then they’d go home, have dinner, and spend some family time or whatever, and move along with life. It was almost like most everybody I knew around me seemed to be like a functioning alcoholic that I can look at now.

Nick McGowan (06:14.416)
and it came from trauma. I get that it has come from trauma. Any sort of addiction, I get that it’s a disease, but there are reasons why we try to get away from something or reasons why we try to drown something or kill it or not feel something. And when I was a young kid, 12, 13 years old, I remember trying to feel cool and trying to feel like I was part of the crowd and like I could do these things and I could also be an adult. Again, can you relate?

If you’ve been through that, you get what that’s like and what that looked and felt like. And even the taboo of it of like, I’m not supposed to be drinking. I even smoked cigarettes in high school. Remember making fun of my mom when I was younger, like cigarettes are gross, what the fuck, why do you smoke? And then I was in high school and I was like, all right, I guess I’ll smoke. But by the time I could buy cigarettes, I was like, this is garbage, I don’t want these. And this is gross and I don’t wanna do this. Because it was no longer really taboo. Like I could just go out and buy a pack of smokes and that was it.

That was a major part of that as well. Again, can you relate? Like trying to find people that could get beer for you or some sort of liquor or something as a high school kid. Like so I went through all of that in high school and I realized now without getting into specific details that would take a lot longer than this episode would being. It was me really trying to cover up shame that I had and guilt that I had and

my core wound of feeling abandoned and unlovable. And I was trying to escape from those things. That escape ended up becoming more of an addiction.

and I could feel better in certain ways. I could also feel worse. I could just feel. And that was one of the things that I didn’t understand was a key component to it until years and years and years later, was though I was doing everything that I could to not feel things, the alcohol would pull stuff out of me, therefore I would feel more of it. And I kind of used it to be able to help me feel through that and then be able to blame it.

Nick McGowan (08:19.858)
So I’m talking almost specifically about high school at this point, where I was able to use that alcohol to become somebody else, to be the life of the party, be the guy that could get us alcohol or whatever. But then I would also use it as an excuse of like, Oh, man, I was blackout drunk. I had no idea. I’m sorry.

or I didn’t know that I freaked out on you or I cursed you out or got into a fight with somebody or whatever because I was blackout drunk and that was just part of the deal. And I was trying to not feel those things but I was feeling those things.

I then took it from that point and just drove it through the rest of my life. Now I think about it now, like even how I just said to you a few moments ago about stopping cigarettes after I could buy them. Why didn’t I just stop drinking at 21? I remember going to bars for the first, I don’t know, maybe year, year and a half of being able to drink. And I was like, you know, this kind of sucks. I don’t want to be in all of this. But I…

wanted to have the experiences like the party experiences and stuff like that, I ended up getting into a multi-level marketing company as I’ve mentioned on different episodes and I found people that were making money and going out and getting hammered. They were partying but they were partying at a level that I wasn’t used to seeing because they didn’t, people I was used to partying with didn’t really have much money or didn’t have the money like what these people were spending on different things and going to extremes and excess in certain ways.

And I could understand that even though I didn’t want that excess as much, I still wanted to be the, I wanted to have that access to be able to connect with those people. And I didn’t know how to do that without also having alcohol in my hands, or in my system even. Because I figured that that’s how I could connect with people in different ways. And I’d even use that in sort of a religious way at times.

Nick McGowan (10:28.505)
There was.

There was a night that I was at a party with somebody and I remember having conversation with somebody and we started talking about God while playing beer pong. And I told the guy, yeah, I’m Christian, this is what I believe and this is how I think things work, et cetera, et cetera. And he ended up saying to me, he was like, I never thought that I’d have this sort of conversation at a party where we’re all just being drunk out of our minds, but here we are. And I remember saying that to different people, like I can have conversations with people because I drink. I can have deeper conversations

people because I drank. And maybe it wasn’t that verbatim of exactly what I was saying to them, but it was whatever because I drank. And it was me allowing myself to do that and almost empowering myself. Like, well, I can go have these conversations because I’m going to have a beer, I’m going to have drinks. And I could rattle off different stories where I’ve had conversations with people, bars, and airports while waiting for a plane. There was one time a year ago, or maybe two years ago at

airport for a solid like 12-13 hours sitting at one bar. I wasn’t drinking the entire time, but most of the time I was and people kept coming and going and I had a handful of them that cried and told me all the things in their life about all these things and I thought maybe I’m doing some good work because I’m drinking. Like if it wasn’t because of me drinking maybe I wouldn’t be in those positions.

I was making excuses and I was also trying to justify why I was still drinking. Again, can you relate? Is that something that you can feel you do? And if you do, it’s just you and me here. And it’s mostly you. You’ve got to be able to have that conversation within yourself and have that self-awareness to look back at that. I know I’m not better than anybody in most things.

Nick McGowan (12:24.798)
And especially when it comes to this, it’s just again, having that self-awareness to look back at that and going, the amount of times I was saying and doing things and justifying and trying to tell myself it was okay because I was drinking and just incorporating that and understanding what I was actually doing with it. Now as a quick sidestep, I do believe there are certain things that

people will use that some people will say is either a flat out drug or considered a drug.

because anything can be a drug if we turn it into an addiction, whatever it is. But things that we put into our system, I think there are certain things that can actually help us. Take supplements as an example. Those things you put into your system in a very black and white way to supplement what you are missing from your basic nutrition or lack thereof, however you are. So you supplement those things and you put them into your system and they actually help you.

in certain ways and can help you, but it’s all about how we actually use them. Like to take the example of the supplements, if you were to just say I’m gonna eat the shittiest food in the entire world, I’m gonna not work out, I’m not gonna do anything, I’m not gonna drink any bit of water, I’m just gonna take supplements. First off that’d be really difficult because some of those pills are fucking horse pills. You need some sort of water or something to get it down, but being able to say I’m not gonna…

I’m not gonna mind what I’m doing because I’m taking the supplements. That’s just using it as a crutch, which again is sort of like what I had done with alcohol. So I used it as a crutch.

many people do, but we can do it with different things. So there are some things that you can put into your body that are gonna be able to help you. And it’s how you use them and what you do with them. And I think a lot of it also stems from what we understand that we think it does for us and what we want it to do for us. So if you take the alcohol and you think about what it does for you, it may open you up to be more social, may make you feel…

Some people say a bit more lubricated, they’re just easier to flow through and just work through things, and it also numbs the pain or takes the edge off and stuff like that. If you know that that’s what you’re doing with it.

then there is in a sense a power to that because at least you know that. It’s then doing something with that information that is kind of that key next step. Because if you go, well, I’m just trying to take the edge off, what’s the edge and why are you trying to take that off and is that the healthiest option to be able to do it? And if we just put alcohol in with, let’s say all these different options that you come up with, if you can figure out what’s the healthiest of those things to do, and you could be aware of your situation to be able to make that right call,

Nick McGowan (15:16.056)
And I can pretty much guarantee that it’s probably not going to be alcohol. And at least that’s my experience. Because for me, I was going, well, the healthier side would be something else. The other side would be just, you know, just have a drink and just take that edge off. And then maybe from there you can sit and think about it, or you can talk to somebody, and you’ll be more social and more lubricated and all those sort of things. Again, can you relate? Think about that.

and feel into those moments. Even if you need to pause this, feel into those moments. And understand that those moments are true and those are real and those are what you have gone through because it’s what I’ve gone through as well. So if you can be aware of those moments and you can see those and you can understand that I’m putting things into my system.

be it ingesting like with alcohol or information or whatever, it’s we then get to do something with it. But we have to make that decision of what we wanna do with it and what we actually characterize it as. And if you characterize it as something that you know is actually a negative thing, then truthfully, you’re just fucking lying to yourself. And I say it because I’ve done it. And I’ve done it for years and years and years.

and I found it as an easier way to be able to lie to myself that way and not really have to think about it, then actually do something about it. So stepping back when I was meeting with those people that had more money and they were partying and they were going in excess and all, I remember saying like, okay, I’m going to calm down on some of the craziness and be more mindful of what I’m putting in my body. That’s why I took that little leap into supplements.

It’s what we do with that, that information of what we’re going to put into our bodies, again, be it actually ingesting or informational wise or what have you, and figuring out why we’re doing that. And is this thing right for us to do? Is it something that’s benefiting us or is it not? And at least being aware enough and honest with ourselves enough to be able to say this is or it isn’t. And it might take a long time. It took me till I was 38 to be able to figure out that alcohol was not something that we

Nick McGowan (17:30.808)
that was actually benefiting me.

there was a lot of time where if I really look back and I think about it, I thought it was because it was helping me get away from those different experiences or help me drown it or help helping me escape from it or helping me just not feel it. So if you think about that, and I’ve said that a number of times now, you really want to understand like what are you going through in life and are you trying to escape from something? Are you trying to drown

Nick McGowan (18:05.032)
And if you have something like alcohol, that can literally just pour over all of that and say, you know, with one drink, I can take care of this. I can knock these things off your plate. You can let another version of you deal with them, but you don’t have to deal with them right now.

And I allowed myself to do that for a long time. And again, if you’re in that spot, there’s no shame here. There’s all love, because I appreciate that you’re listening. And especially if you’re still listening right now and you haven’t just told me to fuck off and deleted this episode. Great. Because really, it’s the understanding. What it took me to get to was an understanding of this is not right.

but it also took me going through a lot of different situations that I had gone through tough situations within those situations because of my drinking. So I’ve mentioned before on other episodes and shows that I’ve been on, I got a divorce in 2021. I was married for eight years and I spent a lot of that time drinking.

and drinking wasn’t the direct reason for the divorce, but it sure as fuck did not help at all. In fact, it actually kept me away from having tough conversations. And that’s one of the things that I look back at, and especially as I have the relationship and partnership that I have now where I don’t drink, and I think about how often I used drinking just to be able to either escape or drown or not feel something.

and how it kept me from having deeper and more meaningful and healthy conversations, not just with myself but with my spouse and my partner at the time. And I’d used the drinking for so long to be able to just not have to have those conversations. And

Nick McGowan (20:08.598)
Being able to understand that it took me going through a divorce and going through job loss and business failure and almost suicide and a number of other things to be able to get to the point where I went, oh shit, the alcohol didn’t actually help me. It’s not something that benefited me or helped me get through or manage it differently. It actually made it worse.

because even if it didn’t directly make it worse, it at least ate up some of my time and ate up some of my physical health, which therefore ate up my mental health and everything else. So going through the divorce that I went through in 2021,

There was, I don’t know, maybe a few months or six months, whatever, before I got a divorce, that my ex had said to me, you know, you’re drinking a lot more often these days. And I remember thinking like, are you fucking kidding me? Are you part of this relationship too? Why aren’t you drinking? Like we should both be drinking. This is fucked, this is terrible. And it didn’t hit me until maybe six months, maybe even a year after getting a divorce that I was like, wow, I was legitimately…

saying in my head like, you should be drinking. I should drink more. This is something that helps me escape. And I knew that wasn’t a thing that I wanted to do. So in that moment, when I thought that in my head, I remember verbally saying to her like, Oh, yeah, maybe whatever and just like, shooing it off. Because I didn’t want to have that conversation. And I didn’t really want to admit it. And I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. So I didn’t want a lot of things. And

fuck it. I just want the alcohol and I just want to go through that. When I got the divorce I remember telling myself I’m not going to turn into a complete mess because there are different people I talked to they were like oh my god when I went through a divorce I was a mess for years. And other people I talked to they were like look I was totally fine but I went crazy in a different direction and there are others that kind of got healthy and then you know some that just didn’t at all and like completely went downhill.

Nick McGowan (22:23.284)
So I knew that there are lots of different options and I loved myself enough that I had even said to other people, I didn’t get married to get a divorce, but I didn’t get a fucking divorce to die and I’m not going to, I’m going to be better. But some of it was toxic because even in that in that time where I was thinking I’m going to be better, it was so that other person, my ex, would have missed out on something.

but I would still drown things and feelings and experiences or not going out because I would drown it with alcohol. And it hit me months after getting a divorce that my alcoholism has actually stepped up. I was drinking a lot more, a whole lot more, because it was easier to, because I was by myself. So I got to a point where I got a divorce. The alcohol wasn’t a direct effect,

contributor to it. And then I spent months being able to have freedom in a sense to go out and buy as many bottles of alcohol that I wanted. And I had stopped basically drinking beer and I was drinking hard liquor. And I was drinking lots of it, where I would go to the liquor store at one point probably every week and buy in…

50, 60, 70 dollars worth of alcohol and then just drinking it throughout the week and not seeing any sort of problem with it at all and I was happy that I was out of the relationship but I knew that I was in a spot where I could do whatever I wanted but even if you can do whatever you want, it doesn’t mean that you should always do whatever you want and it took me a while to figure that out. It took me many dark nights and not

feeling regret for what I had done as getting a divorce or like I was a complete failure. Though there are moments of both of those. There were times where I just thought I’m just kind of wasting away and it started to really come up that if I’m going to be a different person and not be in that sort of relationship like I was and I was actually going to heal because it’s not as much about being a different person as it is healing and evolving.

Nick McGowan (24:45.526)
that I was like, what really needs to change? And I had taken some steps, like I’d gotten back into some things when I was younger, like sports memorabilia and cards. I’d gotten heavier into music. I’d started my podcast at that point.

and I also had the best year that I had in the company I was working at. So I found these projects to do, but I was then drinking alongside those or drinking immediately after those. And when I thought what do I really want and how do I want to evolve?

there were pieces of those things that were what I wanted, but then there are other things that I really needed to have additional tough and deep conversations to be able to figure out what do I not want. Like the career that I had, or the company I was with that was basically corporate America, I figured out a sweet spot of how to be that main salesperson, to help a team and get us to millions of dollars a year and have the success with that,

that comes with that and really have the ego stroke that came with that in different ways but it wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but you know what I did every night after my last meeting? I went and got a drink. I typically didn’t go out. I didn’t go out to a bar because my mom had a number of DUIs when I was younger and I learned oh well you don’t drive.

just don’t. So why go out somewhere when I can just drink at home? And I would just drink at home. And I’d find myself five, six, seven drinks deep. And I would be drunk on a Tuesday, or a Wednesday, or a Thursday, or Friday, or every day. And I just took those

Nick McGowan (26:36.846)
took those things that I was doing, those projects I was doing, and I just added drinking, and thought, well, I’m having some fun with this, and it’s also helped me escape from things without really calling it out. And it’s helped me kind of drown some of those, again, without really calling it out. And then it helped me not feel the additional things that I needed to feel, again, without really calling it out. So I remember saying to myself, all right, I feel like drinking is a problem. And I went through probably

Well, maybe you just need to calm it down a little bit so I calmed it down a little bit then it would ramp back up and then I was like

If this is an actual problem, what is it stopping me from? So something I want you to take away from this, if you feel like alcohol is a problem or you have any other sort of addiction, call it out first. You don’t have to call it to anybody else. Just sit alone and just think like, all right, let’s just say alcohol is the problem. You go, I think alcohol is my problem. Well, what is it the problem of? What are you trying to get away from? You’ve heard me say this now many times. What are you trying to either kill

drown or numb? What are you trying to do with that alcohol? And have that conversation with yourself and have the realization of that, but take that and sit in it.

If it says to you that you shouldn’t be in the marriage that you’re in, or you shouldn’t be in the career that you’re in, even if that is the most difficult thing for you to hear, and from yourself to hear it, hear it and hold it and sit there with it. You don’t need to do anything else at the moment besides just sit with it and hold that. That was one of the things that I did that really helped me.

Nick McGowan (28:23.094)
I remember saying, and I’m jumping around a little bit, but when I was in my marriage, where I was like, this actually does need to end, and I’m drinking, and doing these other things, like even work or whatever, to not deal with this problem. But that is a problem. And if I remove these other things, the problem is still there. So that was the main problem. And that was really difficult.

no one wants to get a divorce. Like they don’t, again, most people that I know don’t get married to get a divorce, but I didn’t get a divorce to die. And I knew that I could get through whatever it’s going to be, but it was going to be difficult and emotional and all the things. If you haven’t gone through it, I’m sure you could assume that would be a crazy thought. Even if you have that thought now, while you’re sitting there listening to this, if you continue drinking, you could get a divorce.

That may be a good thing for you to get a divorce, but your drinking isn’t going to help it no matter what. So understanding that that’s a thing. It took me to be able to separate the pieces from it and go, Oh shit, this is the problem that I have. And then months after the divorce, spending my time drinking and feeling that nudge and that urge inside of like.

What I’m doing for a nine to five, let’s say, is not really what I want to be doing. There are aspects and pieces of it, but what I really want is freedom and optionality. And I’m not gonna get that with what I was doing. And what am I doing about that? And it was pretty obvious.

I was doing some of the things that I thought I should be doing, like I should be building a business and starting my podcast and things that I felt led to do, but it was the alcohol that I was like, well, I’m adding that into it. And that’s not actually helping me at all. It’s not helping me get through it. It’s not helping me manage or be real with myself about it. So alcohol may be your thing.

Nick McGowan (30:28.286)
Anything else may be your thing. Being able to understand that that’s the thing is the crucial component to it. Now if you’ve gone through Alcoholics Anonymous or you’ve gone through any meetings or had conversations with therapists, take all of what anybody says and what anybody does for you at

at face value for whatever you want it to be. But you get to do what you want with it. I was in that spot where I needed to do something different because I realized what was going on with the alcohol. If you do and you get to that point, beautiful. If not, that’s okay. Work through what you feel is right for you to work through. My call to action for you is really…

for your best life and for me, when I thought about it, I needed to be able to figure out what were the pieces of something much larger and what was I using as a kind of a common piece to affect it and not really in a positive way. And again, that might be work.

Might be a hobby. It might be alcohol. It might be anything like that. Again for me, I knew that alcohol was a major piece of that So when I got to that point where I could feel that and I knew I don’t really want to do what I’m doing And I don’t really know what to do next or how to go about this or what the end game is going to be or what Are these things are and like all these different thoughts? I would go well fuck that I just want to drink and I realized that That was where I was going with it. So

When I got to the point where I was like, that’s what I wanted, was I basically wanted alcohol to be able to numb this or not work through it. It was about September of 2022. And then.

Nick McGowan (32:14.658)
I thought about that, I prayed about it a bit, I meditated on it a bit, I just, it kept coming back and coming back and coming back. And by October, I was finally like, you know what? That’s it, I’m done. Somebody had said something about sober October or something and that was like the final god nod that I needed of like, yep, do it. But it wasn’t easy. Again, if you’ve gone through this already, then you know, you know what that’s like and you know it’s not easy.

If you haven’t, you could imagine that it’s not going to be easy. But if you haven’t gone through it, and you’re listening to this, and you understand that you do need to go through that, you need to stop whatever that is, alcohol or whatever the thing is, and make that change. I’m here to tell you that even though it’s going to be fucking difficult at times, you can do it.

It’s up to you to be able to do it. And if you don’t believe that you can do it because maybe you’ve tried before, I believe that you can because if you’ve gotten to this point within this, then you understand what you’re really trying to do is become healthier. And.

actually get to the root of the problems and live the best life that you can, then you can actually do those things. It will be really difficult to be able to do it, but you can do it. You absolutely can. You also don’t have to do it alone. If you need help, reach out to me. If you need help outside of that, reach out to professional that can help with alcoholism, addictions, reach out to a great friend, somebody that you know and trust.

some sort of reach out, just something to be able to get that out there and start to have that conversation start to work through it. For me, when I understood that was a thing that was a major problem, I need to do something different with it. And in that September of working through that and finally getting to the point in October, it got difficult right away. I went on a business trip where typically these trips we would just drink like every night. Sometimes

Nick McGowan (34:22.002)
starting at like one or two in the afternoon at a big conference, they would just be handing out alcohol. People would be drunk by like five, six o’clock and then we’d stay out till two, three o’clock in the morning. And it was literally October like second or third when I flew out for this event. So all these big owners, these companies and the VPs and sea level people and all that, they would basically have like a pre-party before a dinner and then an after party for that and then like some

during the day and then alcohol and like it was just plenty. I told myself I’m not gonna drink and I told myself I’m gonna take the few days before to not drink and that was like my test to it. I was like great why survived 48 hours cool that was really difficult too because I was like fuck I just got I’d gotten so used to just doing it. So when I went out on that trip I was like I’m not going to

what this is gonna look like, I’m just not going to. And I thought about, what about people making fun of me? What about people shaming me, thinking that I’m weird, or me not being able to have conversations and be weird with things, and like, what does that look like? The first night that I was there, I went down to the hotel bar and sat at the bar. And I ordered a Diet Coke. And I felt weird. I felt like everybody was looking at me like…

what’s this guy getting a diet coke for? And it was…

I understand now, like no one looked at me at all. No one gave a shit. No one had any idea. They had no idea whatsoever, nor did they care at all. But I ordered a Diet Coke and I was like, all right, I can do that. And I didn’t want to order any other drink. Somebody sat down next to me. We started shooting the breeze and talking about things. The guy ended up being one of the owners of a company that was at the event too. He had a few drinks, but I told him within that conversation, I had stopped drinking as of a few days ago.

Nick McGowan (36:24.788)
he had called me out in a way of like, well, here we are. Everybody’s drinking. How are you gonna handle this? What are you gonna do? And I remember the conversation was impactful for both of us. There were things that I talked about completely sober.

that helped him within his marriage and within his business. And there are things that he talked to me about that helped me understand that I don’t need these things, but that we can go through stuff. And I can also tell people, this is what I’m going through and this is what’s happening and this is how I am and I can take that stand. Now, granted, as I said to you, it was and it is difficult at times. I also realized that in that first few days,

being at that event, I used it as kind of a badge of honor. And I didn’t flaunt it, but like if somebody asked me, like, no, I don’t drink. And I would start to get into that, like, okay, I don’t drink, I’m not a drinker anymore. And I kind of patted myself on the back. So in some ways that was easier to do because I was feeling the ego stroke from either other people or myself.

But then over the next few months, there were different situations that happened. Going out with people, going to hang out for a company event or flying a thousand miles away to go see some family and going out to different events, going out to dinners, doing this, doing that. And also those nights of being at my house bored and lonely. And not allowing myself to drink. Not getting to the point where I took any drinking.

had any sort of drinks or anything of the sort. I still had alcohol in the house. So I left it in there knowing that I could go in and I could grab that whenever I wanted. I don’t really suggest this, but I knew that I would have to take those steps to be able to do that thing. So over the course of those few first few months it was really difficult to be able to do that.

Nick McGowan (38:26.326)
Within three months or so, I ended up meeting my partner and she doesn’t drink at all. And she’s had different situations that’s happened over life that has allowed her to see some of the different sides of that, just like I have seen and like I’ve been a part of. And I appreciate now that I don’t have that. There are times where life gets stressful and that thought will come up, like I said, in the beginning of this, where it’ll go, you should just go get a drink. But that’s not who I am because that’s what I’ve made sure that I’m not.

I’m not a drinker anymore. And the alcohol doesn’t have to be used. I can actually go through and work on those things. Now I’m trying to keep this condensed though we’re basically at 40 minutes here and I wanted to be able to talk about the story and how I’ve gotten to where I’ve gotten to, but I want you to also understand that I know deep inside of me that this isn’t the end of it. This is still the beginning of my journey.

This is not something I’m going to just not be able to deal with for the rest of my life. It’s something I have to work through and I have to be honest about and work on. And I know that some of it is also in my blood. And it’s from experiences growing up and experiences of trying to drown things or kill them or not feel them at all. And now I understand.

that the space that I’m in, self-awareness is the most important part of that, and the authenticity and understanding, am I doing something that’s healthy or am I trying to drown something? So, I want to wrap this episode up. First off, by saying…

If you’re going through any of this, understand that you’re not alone. Understand that you can get through this. It will take you taking the step to do it. And if you don’t think that you can, I hear you. I understand what you’re saying. I don’t believe you though, because I know that you can. I know that you absolutely can. You may not be able to do it on your own. You may need help with it, but I know that you can do it. Look, I’ve done it. I’m actively doing it. And it’s a thing that we do for the rest of our lives.

Nick McGowan (40:34.8)
us in other ways that’s not just about the alcohol or whatever the addiction is. So you can do this. Here I am. By the time you listen to this, it’s been a year.

It’s been one year since I’ve had any sort of alcohol, and I really don’t want any of it. But again, I know that I have to deal with this, and I have to work through it for the rest of my life. So my call to you is to be able to do the same thing. Understand, at least see what is in front of you as that addiction. Be real with it with yourself, and then start to work through it. Again, I believe that you can do it, and if there’s anything I can help with at all, any resources I can give, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. Thank you so much for being,

with me on this ride throughout my life and the podcast and everything. Specifically thank you for listening to this episode and for being real with yourself.