The Story Of We Talk Real Talk: Changing Course And The Need For Flexible Plans With Alyse Opatowski

Life can be unpredictable. Often, the best course of action is to have a plan, but we must be flexible enough to pivot and open for that plan to change. In this episode, our host, Stephen Jaye, talks with Alyse Opatowski, the founder and CEO of We Talk Real Talk. The company has taken on several different forms while maintaining its core mission: to bring people together through deeper and more authentic conversation. Alyse shares insights on her journey with us while also discussing how she pivoted on her other businesses and why being flexible is a key attribute. Going deeper, she then shares why it is important to allow ourselves to change; only then can we find a better understanding of ourselves and even of others. --- Listen to the podcast here The Story Of We Talk Real Talk: Changing Course And The Need For Flexible Plans With Alyse Opatowski We all have different pursuits in life and sometimes we need to be a little bit flexible. One of the things I realized a while back is that one of the best ways to go about things is to have a plan, but also be prepared to have that plan change or have a need to change course from time to time. With that being said, I want to bring on my guest, Alyse Opatowski who has a business called We Talk Real Talk that had started out with one mission and the mission was changed in a way. Without further ado, here is Alyse. Thank you very much. "If we aren't distracting ourselves and we just allow silence and time with ourselves, that's a really great way to start to explore things deeper and start to understand what is a combination of things that excite you and your gifts because everybody definitely has them." I’m happy to be here. Thanks so much for having me. Can you start from the beginning with We Talk Real Talk? How did the concept begin from the start? I am from Denver and have left for about ten years. When I came back, I found that it was challenging to find a community to meet people. I had lived in major cities, which I understood why there was a challenge here. I found it odd coming back to my hometown and seeing how it was challenging first, meeting people, then second of all, a lot of the people that I was meeting only had a few friends or didn’t know a ton of people here. I first wanted to figure out ways to bring people together. The community has always been important for me. I was also hearing from people that a lot of their friendships or interactions were pretty surface level. I love asking deep questions. I would get good feedback on that but I was wondering how I could create more opportunities at dinner parties, bring people together or how there could be deeper conversations there. Things don’t always turn out how you expected them to be. They can change. I started with some friends, hosting some dinners and having questions on the table where people can go deeper. That was successful and people enjoyed it. I decided to start a business, We Talk Real Talk, where we would bring people together in a more facilitated way to be able to have these deeper questions. A lot of what came out of it was friendships, business partners and some dating involved. It also allowed people to talk about the things that they’re not always able to talk about and see that a lot of times, we all have this shared humanity and experiences. Another thing that is important to me and was important for them too was this feeling of getting rid of shame. Not having shame around topics when they would talk about something and other people would have similar experiences or be there to support them and listen to what they were sharing. First of all, where did you move to? You said you’re from Denver and you moved back here. Where did you live between? I went to school in Michigan and then I did an interesting year-long program where they moved you across the country every four months. I lived in lots of fun cities, Fort Lauderdale, San Francisco, St. Louis, and King Harbor. After that, I loved San Francisco so I was there for about five years and then came back to Denver. We Talk Real Talk: There is no reason you can't or shouldn't love yourself and why there are no other people around to love you. You went to San Francisco and you liked it there. I assume you made a good social circle there. When you came back to Denver, was there some unique challenge you experienced and was it related to the specifics of Denver or the phase of life? How would you describe the challenge you experienced both in finding a social circle here as well as making more deep and meaningful connections? I don’t know why I’ve had this expectation. An important thing that I’ve learned a lot through this journey is setting certain expectations. They don’t always turn out how you think and that can change things. I have this assumption that I knew a good amount of people. It was going to be easy. It was going to be fine and awesome. I did have a close friend from high school and a good friend that I grew up with that lived here. I did have people here and there that did make it a much easier transition than most people had. I figured a different networking social events. I go to a lot of different things that the community was going to grow quickly. One piece is the actual quantity of people that I expected to meet and bond with. The second piece of it was the quality piece. I met some awesome people and I realized through some of the friendships that I had. What was important was finding people that also could go deep and can talk about real things going on. I love when we’re able to have fun, go out and have a good time. At the same time, I wanted people around me that were also able to go deeper and have conversations about what was going on with them and what mattered to them in life. Did you find that some of these connections that you were making were not going deep at the time? If so, is there any particular reason you can outline? There are people in the world who are willing to accept us for all of the things that we’ve done. A piece of it was feeling confident enough to ask some of the deeper questions. I used to start in my early twenties with like, “What is your story?” I got a lot of feedback. That was an intense first question. It was a lot of feeling comfortable asking some of these things. It’s an opportunity for growth that I’ve had over this journey. I don’t ask, “how are you doing?” I don’t love that question the first time you meet somebody. That’s okay if they’re starting to feel comfortable with that. A lot of times, it’s people feeling comfortable and in the right space to feel safe to talk about things. A lot of these people that I was meeting at the beginning may have gone deeper in certain contexts. Based on the interaction, it didn’t go that way. At the same time, I did start to meet people that wanted to go there. Those are the people that I started testing and doing these parties with. At these parties, you talked about this feeling of shame. What I’m guessing you’re referring to is the feeling of being ashamed to either admit something about yourself or to describe something about how you feel. How did you overcome the tendency for people to feel shameful, hide things, not reveal themselves and oftentimes, does keep things very surface level? I realized that a lot of it comes from the tone that's being set. When I would open up, share my personal story, my journey and things that have been shameful in the past that I feel comfortable talking about now, that was always a good place to set the stage. I would notice that depending on the first question. At first, I would let participants answer then I learned that if I answered first, I was willing to go deeper and be more vulnerable with people, that there was more willingness to open up and not feel shame about things, especially when I shared my story. They could look around the room and see that people were supportive of that situation. No one was laughing. There were not any problems with that. Another thing is setting ground rules. Having specific ways to create a space that people feel comfortable sharing, saying things like confidentiality and things like that that makes people feel a little bit more at ease. If anyone reading this has something they’re feeling shameful about they want to open up to people about, and they’re feeling some form of weird about it, what piece of advice would you give these particular people? For a lot of situations in my life that have felt shameful, I’m sitting with it. If you have any practices in your body and you’re doing that, that’s a good thing to sit with and release. If it’s something in the mind, I found journaling or writing. It’s hard to share openly and vulnerably if you aren’t feeling 100%. Also, if you’re not feeling 100%, that’s okay. If that’s where you’re at, finding conscious communities or spaces that might feel comfortable to open up, and/or with people that you know in the past that when you’ve shared things, they’ve been supportive of it is important. I’ve noticed if you do have shameful experiences and it’s a parent or someone that’s not always supportive or there to listen in certain situations, that makes it harder to continue to want to share that and feel less shame around it the next time. It’s a combination of you as well as the people that you’re sharing with and having that be intentional. We Talk Real Talk: Sometimes, you need to let go of certain things to bring energy or types of people into your life. Would you say that self-acceptance is a part of that journey, regardless of the reason why you’re feeling shameful about a certain thing? I wouldn’t necessarily say, “This behavior of mine is good or it’s fine.” One of the things I’ve been telling a lot of people is what we need as a society are these two concepts that seem contradictory to one another....