SWM 060 – Aug 2020 Questions – Negative Self-Talk, Affairs, Manual Sex Troubles and more

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Aug 2020 Questions - Negative Self-Talk, Affairs, Manual Sex Troubles and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today we’re answering questions we received in August from our anonymous Have A Question page. For those who are new to our podcast or blog, these are questions that people have submitted anonymously, so I can’t ask any follow up questions, for more context, or anything. We discuss them in our supporters forum as they come in, and once a month, I gather the previous month’s questions up and answer them all in a blog post and podcast episode.

So, without further ado, here’s the first question.

My wife and I love your podcast. Thanks for informing/educating us that I have a spontaneous drive and she has a responsive drive. My situation is, my wife has been engaging in negative self-talk when we try to have weeknight sex because 1) she can't warm up as fast as me, 2) she gets anxious/frustrated and can't be in the moment because of time constraints, 3) is thinking about work in the morning, and 4) feels she's broken because we sometimes need to use lube (which sometimes makes her itch) and she isn't as wet as she expects herself to be. I've read books and listened to your podcast for several months, so I've encouraged her that nothing is wrong with her, that it'll take some time for her body to catch up (not hours, either, but even as little as 5 to 15 minutes), and thirdly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using lube... Do you have any suggestions on what I as her husband can do? How common is our/her concerns and thoughts? I encourage, I love, I don't rush, I even made the call for us *not* to engage in sex, since she was clearly frustrated and anxious.

Alright, so, I’d say what you can do is have her listen to this podcast episode, or read the show notes on it. Let me be explicitly clear - there is nothing wrong with using lube. Sometimes people just need to hear it from someone other than your spouse.