SWM003: Is sex a need or a want?

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This episode tackles a question I wrote about years ago and wanted to revisit for listeners who have not heard my view on it: is sex a need or a want? Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Plenty of people show the side effects of not having sex, or of having it rarely. Those effects can be physical, psychological, emotional and relational, and usually one spouse feels them far more than the other. The question is whether that means they need sex more, or only that they want it more.

Take the common version, sleep against sex. If both are needs, you have a stalemate. If both are wants, stalemate again. If sleep is a want and sex is a need, sex should at least be on the table. And if sleep is a need and sex is a want, the higher-drive spouse looks selfish, which is exactly how this usually feels from the other side: if you do not see sex as a need, then a spouse who wants it is flawed, broken or grasping. It is worth noticing that whoever holds a veto wins by default, whatever the honest answer turns out to be.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 treats it as a need and commands us not to deprive each other. That is not permission to compel anyone, because Ephesians 5:25-28 asks for love that is sacrificial.