SWM024: Why Do Men Think Sex is a Reward?

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Men often experience sex as a reward, even when nobody intended it as one. The flip side is that when sex does not happen it can land as a punishment, or as having failed at something. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

I think there are three reasons. The first is hormonal: dopamine is the reward chemical, and sex delivers it in quantity. The second is cultural, because we are taught from a young age that sex equals winning, that it is the prize at the end of the pursuit. The third is that sex is bound up in what it means to be male, so a rejection is rarely heard as a no to one moment. It is heard as a verdict on the man.

None of that makes the framing correct, and it does real damage when a wife who simply is not in the mood gets experienced as handing out a punishment. But knowing why it lands that way is the first step to being able to talk about it honestly.