Episodes

Every marriage has conflict. As we often point out, it is not so much how often you fight, but rather what you do when you fight and afterward. Do you repair after conflict? Do you work together during conflict to get to the bottom of issues? Today we have 10 Rules to help you fight fairly. Fair Fighting Since we have so much emotionally and relationally at stake in a marriage, I think it is easy to forget that we need to be decent towards each other when we fight. In the Bible, Proverbs 18:1...

What Is Ejaculatory Control? According to one source, 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration. Not surprisingly, 88% of men report some concern over ejaculating too quickly, and almost all men (99% in one study) use some kind of strategy to delay ejaculation. If you are searching for how to control orgasm timing during sex, you are far from alone. Ejaculatory control is the ability to influence when you reach orgasm during sex. The related term, ejaculatory latency, refers to th...

The same old arguments … the same old cycle. In the marriage counseling world, we call these negative interaction cycles. The topic or concern or issue may change but it’s usually the same pattern: one spouse is more demanding or trying to get a response and the other avoids or dismisses or withdraws. And then it escalates from there. Today, we’re going to help you get started on breaking out of this pattern! The Three Cycles There’s really just three kinds of cycles. The most common is where ...

There are a constellation of marriage-promoting behaviors packed into the Biblical instruction for husbands to honor their wives. Today, we’re launching from a simple phrase in the Bible that instructs husbands to show honor to their wives to demonstrate how a host of research-backed findings are encapsulated in this truth. Our podcasts are not sermons — I am a professional marriage counselor, but in serving my church community and affiliation I do get involved in a fair bit of preaching. Today...

One of the concerns that often comes up in premarital counselling is from a couple where there are different amounts of sexual experience. Even apart from the moral concerns this may prompt are the fears, uncertainties, and doubts of what sexual intimacy may look like when you get married. For those of you that are new to this podcast, Verlynda and I are born-again believers but I’d say we are the non-judging variety, and we come to marriage with the belief that it comes as a gift from God, but...

Infertility is the inability to conceive a child after at least 1 year of trying. Turns out about 10% of US couples experience infertility, and of those, about half will eventually conceive while the other half remain permanently infertile[i]. That’s actually a pretty high number: 1 in 10 couples struggle with this issue, 1 in 20 permanently face it. Challenges of Infertility As anyone who is going through this themselves will know, infertility can be a hard thing to live with. I want to begin...

Are you working from home, or thinking about working from home? In today’s episode, we want to show you how working from home could be a real positive for your marriage — but there are a few potential downsides that you need to be aware of too. I’ve been working from home for a few years now, and Verlynda has been for much longer than I so we found this research pretty informative. So does being in the home more help your marriage, or make things harder? Basically, the research suggests that t...

Competing with your spouse: is it good, is it bad? Or like us — if you’re playing mini-golf — it’s just plain ugly! At least, as ugly as Caleb’s putting skills… Oh…snap! For some couples, competitiveness is just a bit of fun: even though it may feel like life or death when you’re at the final hole of the mini-golf course, it doesn’t really have much impact on your marriage. But for others, competitiveness is more of a lifestyle thing: you’re trying to compete with each other in all areas of li...

Is it better to put more energy into your marriage, or should raising your kids properly be your first concern? If you think pouring your everything into your little munchkins is the best way to do things, then this episode may be a bit of an eye-opener for you. We’re going to unpack the relationship between happy marriages and happy parenting and happy kids. And it may not be what you expect to hear. Think of Your Family as a System Let me start with a little bit of psychobabble here but I’ll...

Ever get the feeling that your arguments as a couple are going nowhere? Or maybe you find yourself thinking, “There has to be a better way to solve conflict than this!” Well, there is: turns out there are some essential skills that work for both husbands and wives and can actually lead to deeper intimacy rather than lingering resentments. Figuring Out Why Someone is Upset Can Be Hard Let’s just acknowledge right off the bat that it is normal for married folk to struggle with figuring out what ...

This has to be one of the most common questions I get emailed about. Turns out, if you can take a little time to understand why men or women react differently to the idea of counseling, then you can dial in your approach to help you and your spouse get the help you need! Researchers estimate that at any point in time, in America, around 20% of marriages will be experiencing significant distress[i]. That’s a lot! It speaks to how much of our struggle is hidden from sight and from family, In fact...

It seems like with chronic illness in marriage you either hear the extremes of horror stories or, on the other end of the spectrum, some very beautiful stories. I’ve heard of a wife getting a bad form of cancer, the husband deciding he just didn’t want to deal with that and bailing out on her. And then there’s a much-loved couple in our own church and she developed Alzheimer’s fairly young and his response has been to double down on his faithfulness and care for her, saying, “I guess it’s my tur...

Life gets really busy and difficult to manage sometimes, and as we encounter some challenges we can lose sight of the forest for the trees. Maybe we have some unexplained health problems or even problems at work and we wonder what is going on? Obviously, there are many potential reasons, but have you considered that your unhappy marriage could be an underlying issue? Today’s topic looks at problems caused by marriage problems. Obviously, the goal here is not to make you want to give up on your ...

Feeling drained and hurt by constant criticism from your spouse? You're not alone. In this episode, we unpack the difference between a partner's bad day and a destructive pattern of emotional abuse. We'll explore the hidden reasons behind your spouse's critical behavior—from their own insecurities and perfectionism to underlying unhappiness in the relationship. Learn practical, effective strategies to protect your self-worth, build emotional resilience, and set healthy boundaries in a kind but f...

If you have ever wondered whether the work of building a thriving marriage is worth it, the research is clear. The benefits of marriage are real, measurable, and far-reaching. But there is one important catch that most articles on this topic skip past: those benefits do not flow from being legally married. They flow from being happily married. This distinction matters. A growing body of psychological research finds that marital quality, not marital status alone, is closely tied to nearly every ...

It’s hard to kick this episode off without thinking of that old Sunday School song, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart!” Joy is that feeling of great pleasure and happiness that fills us in a more lasting way than a situational happiness. It’s something we believe can be a huge blessing in marriage so we want to help you figure out how to start increasing the joy you feel today. Joy is considered one of the six “basic emotions”, capable of being felt, express...

There’s no doubt in 2018 that sexual abuse is a real issue and also one that is not uncommon. 16% of men and 25% of women have experienced some form of sexual abuse[i]. While a lot of the focus in recent months has been on bringing perpetrators to justice, what about the impact of sexual abuse on married life? Not only that, but how can you facilitate the healing and wholeness of your spouse if he or she has been sexually abused? As a society, we’re getting better at talking about sexual abuse ...

We have a tough topic today — and unfortunately, it’s also one that is all too common. What do you do when your spouse is a chronic liar? Well, we are going to try to come to this topic with accountability and compassion because trust is so vital to creating a happy marriage. What is Pathological Lying? There are a few terms that get used interchangeably here: compulsive lying, chronic lying, and pathological lying. Like some other psychological terms it can get thrown around too loosely. Some...

Today’s topic is like a coin: one object with two sides. In this episode one side of the coin is increasing the love and the other side of the coin is increasing (or becoming more aware of) “the feel” of love. It’s not only deepening our love but become more aware of how and when we actually are aware of that feeling in our bodies. Who doesn’t want to feel more love in their life? In many marriages love becomes a fact, rather than a feeling: you know you love your spouse but you don’t feel it e...

What is a hug without the squeeze? In America, they’ll tell you that’s like apple pie without the cheese. We prefer ice cream with our pie but we definitely like our hugs with the right amount of squeeze. Turns out, however, that hugging has been studied fairly carefully in the research! Hugging is Old School The word “hug” originates from the Saxon word “hog” meaning “to be tender to” and the old Norse word “höggva”, meaning “to catch or seize[i]“. Hugging has been around at least since Bibli...

Today’s episode is going to be one that will be a complete light-bulb moment for some of our listeners… or else more of a fascinating-and-helpful but not especially relevant episode for many others. Love addiction is a real issue in some marriages, often with devastating consequences. What makes it particularly tricky to understand is that it’s like normal love between couples, but stuck in that early infatuation stage. Love Addiction I don’t know if you’re like me but I like being in love. A ...

Sometimes assertiveness gets a bad rap in our culture. As if it’s a domineering or bossy attitude. Not so: in reality, healthy assertiveness is a really helpful tool for marriage communication because it can reduce conflict and increase the quality of your marriage. What is Assertiveness? Assertiveness can often get confused with other, less positive traits, so let’s start with a nice simple definition. Assertiveness is the ability to honestly and effectively express your needs and desires[i]....

If you and your spouse are in serious trouble, someone has probably suggested a separation. Maybe the conflict has gotten relentless. Maybe one of you has pulled back so far that nothing seems to reach the other. Maybe there has been a betrayal. Whatever brought you here, the question of separation is real, and it deserves a clear-eyed answer. A therapeutic separation is not the same as deciding your marriage is over. Done with intention and structure, it can be one of the most powerful interve...

Adult Children of Alcoholics — did you know that was a thing? ACOA’s are what we call them for short. If you’re an ACOA it means you had at least one parent with a history of alcoholism, or possibly even a grandparent. The issues you faced as a child can continue to affect the entire family, including the way you relate to others in your life today. Background to ACOA An alcoholic parent or caregiver affects the entire family. Their addiction, the way alcohol makes them behave, their absences ...