Episodes

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage. This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better. When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage. Lots of very convoluted, confusing th...

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all. A little conversation... that goes ...

Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship. In this episode, ...

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here: 500 episodes of the podcast, a number o...

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. But I will tell you one thing about magic: it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychol...

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get be...

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that res...

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make...

The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at eac...

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is trippi...

Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is ho...

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads...

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about pas...

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires...

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the o...

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No cha...

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how th...

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions t...

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage...

We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN cha...

Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced. They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage. But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn arou...

The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE) But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection. And yes, ...

Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it. They can't seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started... doesn't happen IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED? There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started. And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way o...

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming you...