Episodes

Ahhhh, marital bliss! Socrates himself apparently once said, “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” We joke and we laugh about terrible wives and worse husbands. The truth of the matter is, unless we invest in our marriages, we will never have a deep, intimate, rewarding relationship with our spouse. So today’s post is nice and simple (even if it gets a little deep at times)! We give you three things you can do to m...

Ever have a conversation that goes something like this? Hubby: So are we all good then, honey? Wifey: Yup. Hubby: You’re sure. Wifey: Yes, I’m fine. Hubby: OK then. I’ll take your word for it… What Exactly Is Womanspeak? Womanspeak is saying something where the meaning is different from the intent of the words spoken. And yes, I know it’s not just a woman thing. Not all women do it, and men are just as capable of speaking this way, we just stereotypically assign this to women (hence the n...

Maybe you’re not like me. Maybe you don’t REACT to everything. Maybe you should be writing this post about defensiveness… In this week’s podcast episode, Caleb talked about defensiveness and how you can disarm your own defensiveness. I especially need to learn how to disarm my defensiveness, as I seem to react every single time to the slightest provocation! Why is it that I can react so strongly to the smallest thing? I think it’s because I like to be right and I hate being wrong. That’s just...

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle happened so that you had a thriving, passionate marriage, what would you see differently? What would be the first signs that a miracle had occurred? Today, on our podcast, Caleb introduced me to the “miracle question” above – the lynch pin question in Solution Focused Therapy. You can ask this question about anything really. For example, “If you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened so that you no longer easily lost your temper, what would you see diffe...

Guilt is an effective motivator. It’s also a great way to make you an unbearable spouse. If you’ve ever had someone lay the, “If you really loved me you would…” guilt trip on you then you know exactly how that makes you feel. Loathing. Disgust. Nothing like, “I love you! I’d love to do that for you!” Motivating your spouse to change by using guilt may get you the short-term gains but it is going to cause long term pain. Why Do We Use Guilt on Our Spouse? It does work as a technique to help ...

I found the topic of triangles in marriage to be fascinating. How often do I get my nose out of joint by something my husband does? And then try to get my support from someone else? THAT is creating a triangle! What Is A Triangle? Triangles are three-way relationships. Usually, this looks like mom-dad-child, or an unpopular variant: husband-wife-mistress. Sometimes the husband’s work can be his mistress… They usually consist of two close parties and one distant one. For example, Dad is angry a...

Does homeschooling actually wreck marriages? Absolutely! But no more than sending your kids to public school… No matter what situation we find ourselves in, we need to realize the impact on our marriage and compensate accordingly. The fact is homeschooling presents different challenges than public schooling or even having both parents work outside the home. Each scenario has its own challenges! So, while homeschooling is great, it’s good to be specifically aware of a few things with regards to...

I certainly hope reading this is going to make you want to find your spouse right now and give them a GREAT BIG SQUEEZE! And don’t be fooled – we’re not talking about how tightly you squeeze, we’re talking about how well you do the squeeze! The Power of the Hug The power of hugging is not to be underestimated. In fact, research supports how it can be a great way to improve your marriage. In 2003, Grewen, Anderson, Girlder and Light found that couples who enjoyed more episodes of positive close...

Ladies, isn’t it an awesome feeling when you overhear your husband talking to one of his buddies and he says something nice about you? If you have already listened to the podcast, then you know that Caleb started quoting “nice things” about me from the Songs of Solomon. Lol! Overhearing compliments such as “Guys, my wife’s belly is as a heap of wheat encircled with lilies” may not to be too exciting for us today, but Caleb’s point was to find the language that works for your wife – even now. T...

Christians have been trying to figure out for centuries: is divorce and remarriage ever the right thing to do? For some, that’s an intellectual discussion – for others, it’s a huge, unexpected reality in their lives. Back in Episode 13, we answered the question, “Is it ever OK to say, ‘If you do XYZ I’m going to divorce you’”? In response to that post, a spouse wrote us to ask, “If there are repeated acts of infidelity over several years, is it OK to say, ‘If you do this one more time, I am goi...

We had the privilege this week of interviewing Tyler Ward, author of Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person. Tyler found that about 18 months into his marriage, despite having an awesome wife, things started to go south. Fights and arguments were becoming the norm. Knowing that he wanted better for his marriage, Tyler started to look at his own preconceived ideas of what marriage should look like. He began to scientifically “test” (I loved reading...

Who ever starts their day by thinking, “Hey, I’m going to have an affair today?” Doesn’t happen! But, how many people do you know – or maybe this has been you – that find themselves one day asking, “How did this affair ever happen to our marriage?” Our prayer in writing this is that it makes someone who is reading, suck air and go “OH BOY – it’s time to make an about-turn because I’m headed for a serious marital train wreck!” While we can never be “safe” from the risk of an affair, we can take...

After going on a vacation, have you ever noticed the fact that oftentimes your family and friends are more excited about your vacation than you are? Sure, a lot of us enjoy our vacations, but they can be kind of stressful too! Why is it that we expect uninterrupted bliss, but the reality is most of us have our little spats, our frustrations and disappointments on vacation? Holidays are necessary and biblical. Even Jesus Christ would encourage his disciples to “come apart and rest awhile”. So ye...

You know, even if you are committed to your marriage, you can still make it a miserable experience. Today, we will look at three negativity traps you can fall into and how to get out of them! If you have ever felt yourself stuck in a rut of negativity, you know how draining that can be on you and your spouse. Negativity is not something anybody should dwell on. So, as we explore the topic today, we also want to remind you that except when it comes to related medical complications, happiness is ...

Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others? Is it a fear of rejection? Of not being good enough? Making comparisons is never healthy, but in the context of marriage, it can suck the soul right out of it. It is draining and destructive. Why? It’s because it leaves us looking for what we don’t have instead of focusing on what we do have. Often when we are comparing our spouse to others, we are just cherry-picking certain qualities that we want to focus on, but we need to remember...

Where do you go with your stress? Do you take it out on your wife or husband? Or do you take it to your spouse? I know, I know, there are a lot of jokes about marriage adding to your stress… The great thing about marriage though, is that its design is perfect for the management and reduction of stress. One of the fundamental invitations of Jesus Christ was to give rest/relief as Matthew 11:28 states, “Come unto me, all who labor and I will give you rest.” Obviously, we can’t save our spouse, b...

How awesome does it feel to be completely understood by someone – to feel that they ‘get’ you when you are explaining a problem!? Do you want to be a spouse that is able to give this blessing? Listening to understand is one of those skills in marriage that doesn’t have a very sexy label, but is going to go a long ways towards building a thriving, passionate marriage. I know you’re probably thinking, “But everyone knows how to listen, right? How could it be such a skill?” The reality is, most o...

A Ritual of Emotional Connection This is a quick episode again as we are still vacationing in South Dakota! Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage therapy, encourages couples to establish what he calls, “rituals of emotional connection.” There are hundreds of possibilities, but in this episode we share with you a quick one that we practice nearly every day. We use it in that busy time between getting home from work and eating our evening meal together. What is 5-for-...

I know we all can come out with some doozies in a rip-roarin’ marital. However, one of the most important rules of fair fighting is: the threat of divorce is never on the table. Divorce: Unjust if In Jest? So this is a short episode because we are on holidays! But we wanted to leave you with a good tidbit to chew over. We’ve noticed a few different folks mentioning that their spouse threatened them with divorce, if they did or didn’t do certain things. Now, we don’t want to be too severe, but...

Consider a couple who has been married twelve years. They are sitting on opposite ends of the same couch on a Sunday afternoon. The kids are at her sister’s. She is folding laundry. He is half-watching something on his phone. Neither of them is unhappy in any acute way. But neither of them has touched the other in days, and the silence in the room is not a peaceful one. It is the silence of two people who are not sure what their physical relationship is for anymore. That couple shows up in our ...

Sometimes it is just too scary to let someone else make the decisions. Other times the fear of losing someone is so powerful we won’t even let ourselves get close to them. These sound rather extreme but are more common in marriages than we might think. Let’s take a look at what triggers these fears. Again, we want to acknowledge the research and wisdom of Dr. Weeks and Dr. Treat in examining these fears of intimacy. To recap from Part 1 and Part 2, fear is present in all of our lives to varying...

If you’ve ever come up against some really strong feelings – either your own or someone else’s – then you’ve probably felt yourself freaking out a little bit. Going into flight, fight or freeze mode! In Part 2, we talk about the fear of feelings and the fear of anger. Fears of Intimacy As we talked about last week, we all have the fear of intimacy to some degree. Which one (or ones), and the severity, is mostly due to what we experienced in our families of origin (FOO). But the exciting thing ...

When you hesitate and find yourself stopping just before sharing something with your spouse, how do you make sense of that? Shouldn’t we be able to share everything with our soul mate?

So, if you’ve been married more than a week, you know there’s a difference between intimacy and sex. You can have either one without the other, but together, it is an incredible experience! What is Fully Engaged Sex? Fully engaged sex is when both spouses are fully present and there is a real sense of connection. It is the difference between just doing it and actually bonding, between having sex and making love. There is a lot that goes into a real sense of connection during sex, but one thing...