Episodes

A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it. How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse? That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it? I have some news for you: many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse. In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as frustrated, and just as unsure as their spouse. But there is a difference: They think that working on thei...

Are you an AI user? Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life? How about regarding your marriage?? If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion: STOP! Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage. Some reported a spouse becoming enamored with the chat. Some reported a spouse "discovering" from AI that they needed to end the marriage (whic...

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your info...

Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs? Answer: YES. Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses. And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended....

Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this? It doesn't matter"? I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others. It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And that is the tragic part: many marriages die from a thousand nicks. It is often not the big deals, but the ...

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection...

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Getting Better or Getting Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination. One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better. The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter. Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one ...

I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way. So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you. ...And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path. (I bet you didn't think so, did you?) Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse. Sometimes, much worse. Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem? This is something you want to fully understand. (If you want a better way, GRAB ...

Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular. Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares. Disconnection tends to breed disconnection. When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas. But connection tends to br...

“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing. When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor follo...

Can you save your marriage?? That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage. They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage. And that fact keeps them from taking action. Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action. Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started. I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can't be saved. But...

Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless? Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation? Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation. Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope. In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers...

Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled? Maybe we should take a look at your plan. You do have a plan, don't you? Let's talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble -- and what we can do to make a switch. To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control. YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues. You may not have control over your spouse's reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan. RELATED RESOURCES...

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone. And when someone is in crisis, it can cert...

What makes a marriage work? What makes a marriage GREAT? Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters. Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like. Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage. I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them. T...

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to t...

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not...

I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team? Viewpoints. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underl...

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does...

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing...

Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage? Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches?? How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even ...

Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage? If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts. It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns. And some of those pre-date even your marriage. Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running. Which is too bad. We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring. Which is the good news. Our brain IS capable of rewiring. We ARE capable of growing, ch...

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Mar...

Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel. Something is wrong." Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself? You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe. Our notions about love are like that. And unfort...