Episodes

Sobriety doesn’t fix anything, but it is a prerequisite for recovery from an alcoholic marriage. Once we realize we have removed alcohol, and our relationship is getting worse, we’ve got a lot of work to do. And the journey is a bitch. On this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about how much scarier recovery is than addiction, learning to listen to our instincts, moving past insecurities and why trust isn’t just something you push through and make yourself feel. This one is deep, and we hope our stum...

We asked a group of loved ones of alcoholics to read a chapter of our book, soberevolution, that will be released on September 23rd. The chapter is titled “Healing Wounds,” and it is about working through the resentments of an alcoholic marriage, dealing with damage done to the kids, rebuilding trust and the important role of patience. The focus group described the chapter as a fairytale. They did not feel like their alcoholic relationships could ever reach the goal of repair. In this episode, ...

We talk a lot of the trauma and pain of living with an alcoholic, but we rarely share the details. In this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about the emotional struggles of confronting alcoholism head on, trying not to engage because it is pointless, and the triggers that make ignoring the problem impossible. The advice of experts is helpful, but human instinct sometimes makes following best practices impossible. Sheri relives the emotional moments and the reactions they caused. If you are the love...

Recovery is not a binary choice. You are not a success if you are sober, and a failure if you relapse. The same is true for the loved ones of alcoholics. Perfection should not be the goal. Progress should. In this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about the impact that we make on the people around us in our pursuit of recovery from our alcoholic marriage. Sheri calls it transformation (helpful), and Matt talks about Olympic javelin throwers stabbing themselves in the foot (less helpful). They both ag...

I thought I was so funny, cute, smart and charming when I was drinking. Little did I know, I was just a loud and boorish bloviator of intoxicated rambling. Now I’m sober. Now I see it. In this episode, Sheri and Matt talk about the stark reality of sobriety, and the honest challenges that come along with the good of no longer poisoning my brain. As our roles in our relationship shift, and our contributions to the marriage come into balance, the reality is emotional. If you would like to connec...

If you are the loved one of an alcoholic, it is easy to blame poor lifestyle choices and lack of willpower for the jam your abusive drinker has gotten the both of you into. But it is far more complex than that, and tragically misunderstood. In this episode, Sheri and Matt discuss the brain chemistry of alcoholism. We especially look at it from Sheri’s perspective as her opinions changed through her education and understanding of what was really going on in Matt’s noggin. If you resonate with th...

A dry drunk is a label associated with someone who white-knuckles his way through sobriety. A dry drunk might not be drinking alcohol, but he is not learning, growing or seeking the enlightenment of recovery. Sheri and Matt are in the middle of a raw and traumatic dry relapse in their relationship recovery. Alcohol has had no place in their marriage for 3 1/2 years now, but the lack of trust and need to be trusted has sent us reeling into a pit of despair as though we are still in active alcohol...

One of the most common concerns Sheri and Matt hear from the loved ones of alcoholics is, “He’s a drunk asshole now, but what if he sobers up, and he’s still an asshole?” The processes of alcoholism sobriety and relationship recovery are long and arduous, and they take as much patience as they require effort. Just as alcoholism is a progressive disease, there is a progression to recovery. We don’t lose our asshole-ness as soon as we put down the drink. It takes time, and the final destination is...

Sheri and Matt had drastically different exposures to alcohol when we were growing up, and we carried that experience into our parenting roles. Our kids were all exposed to Matt’s alcoholism, to varying degrees because of their different ages, but now, they are all exposed to this experiment where both parents are both sober and educated on the dangers of alcohol. On this episode, we talk about our excitement about the outcomes so far of our approach to parenting in recovery. But we also share o...

Sheri and Matt are big believers in the power of vulnerability, and the huge gains in enlightenment and healing we have made as a result of recovering out loud. But in this episode, we talk about friendships lost through the recovery process. These losses are a real thing, and they cannot be ignored. But then we pull the conversation out of the ditch and talk about how thankful we are for the profoundly deep and meaningful friendships that would not be possible if not for the recovery of our alc...

Sheri and Matt talk about the evolving process of learning to trust instincts. The greatest challenge to listening to what she knows to be true are the lingering alcoholic relationship insecurities. We share the “lightbulb moment” from our Echoes of Recovery program which provides connection for the loved ones of alcoholics. The sharing and communication gives a validation of instincts not available anywhere else in the recovery world. Echoes of Recovery is loved ones of alcoholics helping othe...

I had a huge ego as an active alcoholic. I thought I was great. My wife, Sheri, found me repulsive and stupid, and she felt betrayed by my love of alcohol. When I stopped drinking, Sheri’s feelings and attitude did not automatically change. I was sober and our relationship continued to deteriorate. I thought I was married to a bitch. In this episode, Matt and Sheri talk about my awakening – my realization that our relationship problems were not all her fault. The challenge of blaming the diseas...

Active alcoholism is selfish, but everyone knows that. Early sobriety is equally selfish, but this time, for a good reason. For Matt and Sheri, our relationship has long been about prioritizing Matt’s needs while Sheri holds it all together. But the pressure has been building through it all, and without a recovery plan of her own, no amount of time heals the wounds. So now, it is Sheri’s turn to be priority number one in the relationship and in her recovery.

Three years into recovery from Matt’s alcoholism, fearful anticipation lingers for Sheri. In this episode, we discuss the worry and anxiety that Sheri feels when bringing up even the most innocent and uncontroversial of topics, and we talk about how Matt is less judgemental than he was as an arrogant alcoholic. We also laugh about fake poop and dirty underwear.

One of the most widely accepted misperceptions about alcohol addiction is that the drinkers are the only people facing enormous challenges in recovery. The fact is that the loved ones of alcoholics have just as much work to do to heal, and the stigma associated with codependency makes the work just as challenging. In this episode, Sheri and Matt introduce our new Echoes of Recovery program for the loved ones of alcoholics. We discuss what we offer to the millions of effected loved ones, and we ...

On our first remotely recorded episode due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Matt and Debbie Scheer discuss the public policy decision that threw Denver into chaos. The mayor announced that liquor stores and marijuana dispensaries were not essential, and would close the following day. That order lasted about an hour due to the chaos it caused. Lines wrapped around blocks as people scrambled to get their booze before their access was cut off. It would be funny if not so damn sad, for a number of reasons ...

While the COVID-19 pandemic is nothing like the terrorist attack on America we suffered during 9/11, it does isolate and confine us in a similar way. Back then, 19 years ago, I sat on the couch, watched cable news, drank massive amounts of vodka and sulked. I can’t help but imagine that millions of drinkers will have the impulse to do the same thing now as we hunker down and watch the news about the spread of the disease and associated closings and cancelations. On this episode of the Untoxicate...

Was your middle school sex ed experience as shrouded in shameful secrecy and as incomplete as ours? In this episode, Matt and Debbie talk about the lasting negative impact of our society’s refusal to talk openly and honestly about one the most potentially beautiful and totally natural human acts. It isn’t just about fumbling awkwardness. When we don’t talk about sex, fulfilment, satisfaction, pride, love and intimacy are nearly impossible. Doing it in sobriety creates a whole new set of challeng...

Sheri and Matt dive deeper than ever before into the intimate details of our alcoholic marriage. Our relationship started in a very typical manner – we mixed booze and romance and lowered all inhibitions. As life pressure built from work stress and raising children, our intimacy morphed from typical to tragic, and love was squeezed out of our physical connection. Now, in recovery from alcoholism, we are trying to pick up the pieces and restore trust and intimacy from the rubble of our alcoholic ...

The damage done by alcohol is no laughing matter, but if we lighten up and loosen up, honest, healing conversation often follows. No one knows more about using humor as the ultimate icebreaker when discussing difficult subjects than my friend Debbie Scheer. Debbie is a professional speaker, she is the mother of two young boys and she is living her best life alcohol free. She uses humor to delve into the issues no one is otherwise willing to talk about. This is the first of (hopefully) many time...

To blame my alcoholism on Doritos is a bold statement, but the more we learn about neurochemistry and the way our brains process inputs, the more obvious the link between my adolescent snack patterns and my addiction to alcohol becomes. I am often asked how I knew I was an alcoholic when my high-functioning life hid it so well. I am also often asked how I became an alcoholic while others with similar drinking patterns seem immune to the disease. In this episode, I answer those questions, and ta...

Emily Schrader has always been a risk taker. Drinking alcohol and doing drugs was a natural fit for a woman living life on the edge. Now, with 15 years of sobriety, she is taking a different kind of risk putting everything she’s got into her non-profit mission called Bar Zero. Starting as a catering company that offers an exotic dry bar experience, Bar Zero will eventually grow into a full brick and mortar restaurant and bar here in Denver. With the “sober curious” movement proving to be more th...

I’m supposed to feel rested coming off the holidays, right? So why do I feel so bad – worthless and sinking? Some people drink to avoid processing trauma, abuse or neglect. High-functioning alcoholics like me drink as a reprieve from the relentless pursuit of accomplishment. This episode isn’t specifically about alcoholism or addiction in general. It is about dealing with the human condition in a society that pushes us into an endless loop of self-dissatisfaction.

This is our third consecutive sober holiday season, and it is monumentally better for both my wife and me. In this episode, Sheri and I discuss the differences in Christmas number three on our quest for recovery. The stress and excitement are still there, but we’ve finally shed the pressure from both keeping up appearances, and the dreadful anticipation of alcoholic antics. It’s really much, much better, but it didn’t come easily nor quickly.