Episodes

In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… * 3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies) 4:55 What if he’s not 'all in' * 8:39 "I had to start trusting that he would hurt me" 10:11 One Solution: A differen...

How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line 2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser * 3:20 The hard word: Abuse (...and ADHD) 5:04 One Solution: A way to talk about abuse * 7:36 One Solutio...

Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?” TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Are safety & trust the same? 0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust 1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust AND…… 2:47 Lori & Jay's take on safety & trust 5:17 "But I'm not trying to hurt her" (why men...

In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?” TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:17 When he feels defensive, it helps to remember… / Secure Attachment 1:39 One Solution: Instead of "fixing it," tr...

How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:17 How agreeing (on the surface) can make things worse * 2:10 Not living in integrity 2:51 One Solution: Validation can always work * 3:36 "100% of t...

This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Boys don't cry? 0:40 One Solution: How guys can connect with her pain * 3:27 "Aren't you over that yet?" (Therapists said it will take this long) * 5:52 Guys say, "But I don't agree with her." (agreeing vs validating) 8:12 3 places guys can...

Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Our male clients have a lot of trouble with this 1:05 One Solution: How Matt explains it to male clients * 1:51 How disagreements lead to invalidation 2:41 3 ways we habitua...

Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.) TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:13 Validation, Restoring Trust & Self-Awareness 2:24 Usually this doesn’t work early on 2:56 Treatment Induced Trauma ...

What’s the first thing a guy should do if he’s harmed the relationship, and what can make him “get it” more quickly? Also what can the lady do if his goal is to have an affair? We discuss those topics with author Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 What if his goal is to have an affair? 1:09 One Solution: The quickest way to make him ‘get it’ * 1:57 The first thing a betrayer should do (a radical mind shift) 3:46 One Solution: The ‘big ...

Unfortunate ideas can get twisted in a person’s mind, leading them to have affairs; ideas like, “But if my wife were the right person…” We discuss this with author Matt Fray, and we also cover the question: Are emotional affairs truly affairs–and what can make it all less difficult? TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Defensiveness & intimidation 1:25 “I care about you, but I care about myself more” 2:20 Can be abusive (“don’t ruin my good time”) 3:21...

Can porn use and lies lead to PTSD? And what can be done when someone says, “Why won’t you lighten up?” We cover those topics in our continued talk with author, Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:20 Unmet needs & PTSD after broken trust * 0:58 The addicts we see tend to focus on these needs 1:43 One solution to “Why won’t you lighten up?” * 2:42 Death by 1000 cuts 3:12 Porn use & Lies (“our early mistakes”) 4:38 Whether affairs, prostit...

Are her needs more important than his? No, but as you’ll see in this video, his most important needs are usually already met. Our female clients can’t say the same, and this reduces feelings of safety. But is safety actually a need? TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs within relationships * 1:32 Different levels of needs 4:22 One Solution: Safety is also about reliability (so prioritize it) * 6:15 Jay’s caution: Some emotional abuse happens through sex * 8:17 A story ab...

What if the person who's broken your trust says, “I did that because I can’t trust you!” Today we cover that, as well as the topic of vulnerability with author Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 When the man who broke trust says he can’t trust her * 2:08 Vulnerability isn’t weak (it’s THIS that’s weak) 3:42 Hiding (this) from the partner * 4:07 One Solution: Something that leads to relief * 5:20 In the next episode: Safety in relationships -- https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori'...

“Change doesn’t happen until it gets painful enough.” Is this true, and if so, what does it look like? That’s what we cover with author and coach Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Will it take divorce before he ‘gets it’? 2:02 What gets through to guys * 4:20 It doesn’t take more pain when these things happen 7:46 One Solution: One way for guys to learn vulnerability 9:34 One Solution: How to increase intimacy (Note: Please go at the betrayed partner’s speed) * 10:31 In the next epis...

Matthew Fray tells what it all comes down to in marriage… and how he felt right after his divorce. Also find out when he would tell a person, “Fine, then don’t be married.” TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro / The crux of it all in marriage * 2:45 What defined Matt’s emotions? / Who is most responsible? 3:59 “7 out of 10 marriages end” * 6:19 What ruined Matt’s last day of work 8:29 Jay commends Matt for this 9:47 How Matt felt right after his divorce 10:45 One Solution: Key to successful relationshi...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfdAB7hjhME - This episode covers a little about Matt’s divorce and his two main focal points in marriage. - 0:00 Intro - 0:07 Solutions: The two main things Matt works on with his clients * -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBQbaIgrd9I Meet Matt Fray, Author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends” and hear how he says he ‘forced’ his wife to walk away from the marriage. 0:00 Intro 0:28 Matt’s new book: This is How Your Marriage Ends 1:06 Format of these videos 1:44 How we met 2:57 How Matt became a coach 5:52 Matt’s coaching program / Differences in who we coach * 7:16 How Matt started blogging… & “forced” his wife to walk away * 8:12 “So many marriages end here” * 8:29 In the ...

Whether you're married, divorced, single or separated, there are effective solutions that can help you heal and can help you have better relationships. This video previews what to expect in the coming weeks and explains how you can find those solutions. The second half of the video explains how "Raging at the Addiction" can actually help you heal more quickly. (Clicking on the timestamps below will take you to that part of the video OR you can find the audio on most major podcast platforms by ...

Addicts have to avoid these major pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're going to rebuilt trust. This episode also covers signs to look for in order to know if the addict is serious about recovery. Episode Summary: -Some groups allow masturbation -Co-ed groups -Knowing what serious recovery looks like -Applying 12 Step principles to trauma can do more damage 0:00 Intro 0:42 Major Pitfall One: Some Sex Anonymous groups allow masturbation (and this can le...

Addicts have to avoid these common pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're not going to make things worse in the relationship. Episode Summary: -Signs of impending relapse -Sponsorship and Accountability Partnership -Avoiding becoming a dry drunk -The "24-Hour Reprieve" 0:00 Intro 1:02 Pitfall One: Relapse (not knowing the signs of it)*** 2:39 Pitfall Two: Confusing the roles of the sponsor and accountability partner / What Jay looks for in sponsors

If God is good, how can He allow things like addiction, betrayal, lies and abuse? In this episode we cover that difficult topic. While we address the ancient saying, "fill up the sufferings of Christ," we also add a caveat for partners who've been lied to and mistreated. Episode Summary: -How can a loving God allow certain things? -Filling up the sufferings of Christ -How betrayed spouses can know if they should STOP suffering to get through to the addict -Kittens & Crawling into God's arms...

The full version of the Serenity Prayer isn't well known, yet if addict's adhered to, it can bring them happiness—a happiness that can replace the pleasure betrayal and lies bring. This episode covers that, while difficult, courageous surrender is the quickest way to joy. Episode Summary: -The rest of the original Serenity Prayer -Addicts may not be good at a certain part of this -Balancing acceptance and abuse -How surrender isn't passivity -What happiness will look like on this earth, an...

Most people have heard the first three lines of the Serenity Prayer, but it's usually the popular version. The original version is much richer. And its main tenants are essential for recovery from porn and sex addiction, and especially lies. This episode covers the first three lines of that Prayer. (The next episode will cover the rest.) Episode Summary: -Being 'strong and courageous' -When the addict's expectations aren’t met -The quickest way to change our situation is to… but only if… Ti...

Many recovering addicts create more pain by using this Step to abandon their wives. This episode covers what addicts can do instead, especially if he's betrayed her, lied to her, or used abusive tactics with her. Episode Summary: -Step 12 of the 12-Steps -Are we really powerless to change others' behavior? (One of the most difficult things for addicts to accept.) -How addicts can change their thinking (when tempted) and how to NOT cause more pain with this step. -What Jay's mask wearing loo...